Do you have a bunch of OSR games and retroclones like Swords & Wizardry, Old School Essentials, or Greg Gillespie’s new (and pretty awesome) Dragonslayer, but they’re just not enough? Or maybe you supported Daggerheart and were sorely, sorely disappointed. Well, you can safely throw all that junk in the trash because there’s a new game in town to throw your hard-earned, inflation-reduced dollars at: Tales of the Northern Marklands the Story-Playing Game (SPG)
Yes! This brand new and totally not a rehash of the game rules you love to keep buying over and over has everything you need for a fast-paced, exciting afternoon of Basements & Neckbeards, but this time…oh Sweet Lord yes! This time it’s different, with all-new concepts and material such as:
- Armor Class!
- Hit Points!
- Vancian magic!
- Elves, dwarves, halflings, plus new, and unique races from somebody’s old high school campaign that absolutely have nothing to do with their weird fetish fantasies (eat your heart out, Arduin!)
- Fighters, Wizards, Clerics, and new, Mega-Powered (MP) classes like the Thief-Vagabond
- And much, much more (if by "more" you mean more of the same!)
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| Not since F.A.T.A.L. have you seen cool sh*t like this! |
These innovative rules are coupled with our unique Story-Playing System (patent pending,) which employs psychological techniques from the brilliant minds behind the Stanford Prison Experiment to dominate your players into following the epic, narrative campaign you’ve always wanted to have! Who needs adventure paths when YOU are in control?!
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| You will have fun OR ELSE! (Additional pinky finger sold separately.) |
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| The Savage Lair's digital art team |
That’s great, Weregrog! But will there be a license? I want to write my
The WGGL doesn’t bother with a lot of legal gobbledygook and fine print (I can’t read it at my age, anyway.) You just sign your name (blood optional,) hold your hand to your heart, pinky promise, or use any other internationally-recognized oath method, and the entirety of classic material is opened to you! Need some flayers of the mind in your module? No problem! Beasts that displace? No sweat! The putrid Hand and Eye of some old, dead magic-user as your McGuffin? We got your back! Our legal team will protect you from any reprisals by witches, sorcerers, activists, or angry wizards, whether they live on the coast or anywhere else.
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| The Savage Lair's legal team is here for you! |
I know you’re absolutely salivating for this game by now and just itching to click on that Kicksarter link, just so I'll shut up and take your money, but I don’t bother with any of that newfangled, crowdfunding crap. Just call 1-800-555-GROG and give them your credit card number, or send a blank check made out to “CASH” to the following address:
Savage Lair of the Weregrognard
1234 Grog St.
P.O. Box 42
American Samoa, 12345
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| Our customer service representatives are standing by. |
Disclaimer: The Savage Lair of the Weregrognard is not responsible for any triggered feelings caused by the Tales of the Northern Marklands SPG. It is a fake game that only exists in your sick imagination; about as real as Blackleaf the Thief (talkin' to you, Debbie.) Side effects may include: nausea, itching, loss of appetite (for food or sexual activity,) fever dreams, demonic possession, and conversion to the worship of an inscrutable Snake God. Talk to your opinionated and unfriendly local game store clerk to find out which OSR game is right for you.
Happy April Fools y’all! If you’re wondering where my regular content went for the past couple of weeks, well it’s because the Savage Lair has been invaded (by the in-laws!) We’ll be back soon with the conclusion of the Royal Barrows and the return of the OSR Lessons series. Stay tuned!
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