The D&D Movie I Want to See

 

Being that a week+ case of the 'rona (three-year survivor, baby!) precludes me from hate-watching (or like-watching, if reviews are to be believed) the new D&D movie,  I'm going to give your the dubious pleasure of telling you about the D&D movie I wanted to see if I was God Emperor of Mankind.

• It should take advantage of the current 80-90s (swiftly becoming aughts) nostalgia.  (See Stranger Things and Ghostbusters: Afterlife)
• It should a) acknowledge D&D is a game in some way, or b) be set in on of the myriad D&D worlds of the last 20 years (I think the new movie sort of does this.)  Also, Dragonlance.  I want my Peter Jackson, year-long pre-production caliber Dragonlance dammit!

"This, I Command!" (I'm getting my 80s references confused.  It's the meds, you see.)

 True confessions: I have not listened to the D&D cartoon radio play, Requiem, So I haven't the foggiest if this is at all canonical.  It's my fever-dream, so deal. 

The film begins with a classic scene of a bunch of similar-looking, but not quite, the characters from the D&D cartoon, played by the adult actors in the film.  The acting is really hammed up, over-the-top (read: terri-bad) as the heroes face off with a dragon in front of its hoard.  This is because the whole thing is a game!

 

Cue the now grown-up Thief or Acrobat calling the kids up from their D&D product placement...err...game for dinner.  The crew from the cartoon still gets together every once in a while because of their shared experience.  That shared experience, however, is not what you think.  The hallway has a framed newspaper that reads: "Kids Lost in Tunnels Under Amusement Park Ride Found!" (a bit of a dark Easter egg, from the game's 80s controversies)

Other pictures do the exposition of who married who and what they did: Acrobat + Cavalier (Olympic medalist and real estate developer respectively) and Ranger + Thief (they're your more typical middle class family)

As far as the kids remember, they just got lost in a malfunctioning amusement park ride for a week.  All except this guy...

 

He remembers EVERYTHING

 Played by this guy:

Good old Uncle Bobby didn't grow up as well-adjusted as his peers because of the loss of Uni the Unicron and you know, massive PTSD from living in a D&D world of Satantic nightmare.

I hate to say it, but my sweet, and devout 'abuela' was on to something.

...

 Things get a little foggier from here but I'll give your the highlights:

• Uncle Bobby has an alcohol abuse problem(,but a sweet van.) He storms off from dinner (because nobody believes him) and goes to go drink by the old amusement park (currently being torn down by Cavalier's company.)  This is causing a rift between our world and the D&D world.  The natives could have told you this, if anyone bothered to ask them.  Maybe one of the kids is indigenous and has a grandparent that knows the old stories.
  
• There's a Ghostbusters-like sequence with D&D monsters invading our world: bullywugs at the school, a mail person delivering Netflix (remember those?) to find the mailbox is a mimic.  Hunters and/or park rangers witness an owlbear (lost opportunity for a Gygax/Arneson cameo if they were still around.)

 

"What the heck is that, Gary?!" "I dunno Dave, looks like some sort of owl-bear...Crap!  It saw us!"

• The action continues with the kids trying to escape the monsters, but the parents don't believe them.  Thankfully, Uncle Bobby does and he rolls up in the aforementioned, sweet van to save them.  Unfortunately, they can't leave in it because of rust monsters.
• All right you old Gen Xers!  Get ready for some middle aged tears as a none other than Uni (now a full grown Unicorn straight out of the local Pride Parade) saves the day! Bobby and Uni are tearfully reunited.
• But that's not all!  The kids get their own artifacts and character classes: Bard (for the musician kid), Druid (for the nature-lover), maybe others like Sorcerer or Monk. Once they rescue a curious old man who goes by the name of Dungeon Master, that is.
  
• Once the original crew are reunited with Dungeon Master and their old artifacts, the finally remember everything (via flashbacks: "Look! a Dungeons & Dragons ride!").  The kids and adults team up to close the rift in old caves/mines under the amusement park.
• Don't put a way the Kleenex yet, Xoomer! Barbarian Bobby (looking ridiculous) now gets to ride Uni at the vanguard of a Good Monster army to buy the others time to herd the Evil monsters and close the rift.
• Of course, you can't do anything these days without an after credits scene to set up the next movie! How about this?  Half the kids and half the adults are now stuck in D&D world and our world respectively.  They wake up to see the familiar back of Dungeon Master, who calls them by their class names: "Welcome, Ranger, Thief, Druid..."

 

Now, go and enjoy the real movie!  I'll catch up to you next week *sniffle, cough, gag*.